stress level at maxium

Okay I have no to blame but myself, but still stress to the maxium to say the least, but hey I'm starting at the end of the story.

This morning I got a text from our new car pool baby that our results for our Heath assignment were on line.  I logged in eagerly to see how I had done, to find my results were zero.  Thought for awhile that they were still being loaded and mine will appear shortly.  I don't know why but I suddenly had the thought, that I had not had the email conformation that my assignment had been received which the Uni has set up a new system to do this year. I hadn't thought anything of it at first due to Easter Break, so I double checked my emails.  Sure enough there was nothing, which means my assignment had never been logged into the system.  As soon as I realised that, in my minds eye, as clear as day, I saw me putting my assignment into the wrong lecturers assignment box, and I knew it to be the truth.  Now if you know anything about me you need to know this, I am a true Virgo and as such I am a perfectionist and my harshest critic.  I expect a lot from myself and I am very hard on myself, I see judgement in everyone's eyes and I don't often feel I measure up, and here I was failing big time. 

Putting my assignment in the wrong place is no better than handing in my assignment late, and here it is 8 days past the due date and my lecturer doesn't have my assignment.  Seven days means a loss of 50% of my marks at best, but I'm beyond 7 days which could mean a loss of  75-100% of my marks.  Three quick emails to my lecturer later with no reply and my stress levels are at max.  Typical me I'm straight to worse case scenario that it will mean I will fail the course and have to repeat. 

Phone call to hubby to unload what was happening didn't make me feel much better, he tried to help but when he is over 300 kilometers away there's not much he can do except empty "it will be okay" and to say "just relax" and of course as he is a guy so he had to give some advise...not ready to hear any of it.

One phone to call to lecturer later that only got his answer phone and for the first time I actually got to notice my heart murmur (it only rears it's head during time of stress) and my hands were in permanent shake.

It was four hours before I could get hold of anyone at Uni to speak to (break time at Uni for two weeks just the same as it is for us) and a long 10 minute wait before she phoned me back.

Yep I had been the biggest dope and put my assignment in the wrong place.  My lecturer had been contacted and he will mark my assignment over the weekend and my mark should be up by 10am Monday.  So now I have to wait till Monday to find out what my mark is and how much percentage of my mark I will loose.  When I phoned hubby to tell him what had happened he was able to calm me down and I could feel a lot of the tension leave me, the problem is hubby has always been so very good at holding me, I have never felt so safe as when I am in his arms, so protected and so loved and today I needed those arms around me and they are so far away.  The worst bit about being a weekend wife, no one to hold you during the bad times when you really need it.  I miss him daily but today I miss him more than ever, I miss feeling safe in his arms.

I know that there is nothing more I can do re my marks and now I just have to wait and see what happens. The silly thing is I went in this Bachelor of Teaching hoping to pass my exams and get a few B's but since achieving an A average in my first year I have the high expectation of myself to keep achieving them, and the only person that puts the pressure on me is me, need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  The one advantage - great insight into how some of my students will feel.  In the meantime I need to find someway to let go if just a little of the pressure to try and be perfect or at least accept I'm being as perfect as I can be and that's going to include a few faults.