loving maths

Things have been full on this year at Uni, with a focus on Maths, Literacy and developing our teaching philosophy (with a hint of politics thrown in for good measure).  The assignments are bigger and the expectations of us are higher (as they should be).

Unfortunately I seem to be struggling more this year as well. 

I had my first low mark for an assignment (in philosophy), I had the info I just did not organise it properly which meant it did not meet the brief.  Now the marks not too bad (B-) but considering my consistent A's I have really beaten myself up about it. 

It has really thrown me for a loop, talk about doubting myself!!!!  I have two more assignments due soon and I am second guessing myself left right and center. 

Thankfully I have great lectures so I will need to take advantage of going and seeing them tomorrow and getting some feedback to ensure I am on the right track and I'm just being silly.... Now if only I could get that voice in my head to start taking notice that I'm just being silly and to let it go it would be okay, but the way its going on you would think I failed the paper (mind you it sort of feels like I have).

One positive this year is until now I would have always said I am an all rounder teacher - great skills in maths, literacy (reading/writing) and art with a head start in reading difficulties.  This year I have realised that I have a real interest in Maths.  I always loved maths as a kiddo at school myself and have for the most part been good at it, I also think I have skills in find alternative ways of looking at problems. 

Its interesting sitting in a class at Uni, full of adults ranging from the young to the more mature student (like myself) and hearing how much they just never got maths at school and how much they are finding their associate teachers avoid maths in the class today!!  I must admit it annoys me how easily teachers put maths aside for other things. 

I know just because a person has the label teacher does not mean they excel at everything and they go out into the classroom with some of their own hang ups about areas, but kid's are struggling in senior schools due to still not having a grasp of the basics and they now have teachers who no longer have time to deal with it, they have a whole lot of higher order maths to get through.

So much of what we need to teach in regards to maths is part of every day life and form building blocks for learning the 'higher order maths'.  I have realized it is fast becoming a passion for me and my soap box is rapidly growing.  I have finally found the area for which I want to specialize
in with complimentary skills in the other areas as well..

okay so enough soap boxing and on with study!!

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stress level at maxium

Okay I have no to blame but myself, but still stress to the maxium to say the least, but hey I'm starting at the end of the story.

This morning I got a text from our new car pool baby that our results for our Heath assignment were on line.  I logged in eagerly to see how I had done, to find my results were zero.  Thought for awhile that they were still being loaded and mine will appear shortly.  I don't know why but I suddenly had the thought, that I had not had the email conformation that my assignment had been received which the Uni has set up a new system to do this year. I hadn't thought anything of it at first due to Easter Break, so I double checked my emails.  Sure enough there was nothing, which means my assignment had never been logged into the system.  As soon as I realised that, in my minds eye, as clear as day, I saw me putting my assignment into the wrong lecturers assignment box, and I knew it to be the truth.  Now if you know anything about me you need to know this, I am a true Virgo and as such I am a perfectionist and my harshest critic.  I expect a lot from myself and I am very hard on myself, I see judgement in everyone's eyes and I don't often feel I measure up, and here I was failing big time. 

Putting my assignment in the wrong place is no better than handing in my assignment late, and here it is 8 days past the due date and my lecturer doesn't have my assignment.  Seven days means a loss of 50% of my marks at best, but I'm beyond 7 days which could mean a loss of  75-100% of my marks.  Three quick emails to my lecturer later with no reply and my stress levels are at max.  Typical me I'm straight to worse case scenario that it will mean I will fail the course and have to repeat. 

Phone call to hubby to unload what was happening didn't make me feel much better, he tried to help but when he is over 300 kilometers away there's not much he can do except empty "it will be okay" and to say "just relax" and of course as he is a guy so he had to give some advise...not ready to hear any of it.

One phone to call to lecturer later that only got his answer phone and for the first time I actually got to notice my heart murmur (it only rears it's head during time of stress) and my hands were in permanent shake.

It was four hours before I could get hold of anyone at Uni to speak to (break time at Uni for two weeks just the same as it is for us) and a long 10 minute wait before she phoned me back.

Yep I had been the biggest dope and put my assignment in the wrong place.  My lecturer had been contacted and he will mark my assignment over the weekend and my mark should be up by 10am Monday.  So now I have to wait till Monday to find out what my mark is and how much percentage of my mark I will loose.  When I phoned hubby to tell him what had happened he was able to calm me down and I could feel a lot of the tension leave me, the problem is hubby has always been so very good at holding me, I have never felt so safe as when I am in his arms, so protected and so loved and today I needed those arms around me and they are so far away.  The worst bit about being a weekend wife, no one to hold you during the bad times when you really need it.  I miss him daily but today I miss him more than ever, I miss feeling safe in his arms.

I know that there is nothing more I can do re my marks and now I just have to wait and see what happens. The silly thing is I went in this Bachelor of Teaching hoping to pass my exams and get a few B's but since achieving an A average in my first year I have the high expectation of myself to keep achieving them, and the only person that puts the pressure on me is me, need to learn to stop being so hard on myself.  The one advantage - great insight into how some of my students will feel.  In the meantime I need to find someway to let go if just a little of the pressure to try and be perfect or at least accept I'm being as perfect as I can be and that's going to include a few faults.

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END OF TERM.......So Happy

The end of my first term at Uni and I am tired and so sick of assignments.  There's only been two but they have been full on and I have been second guessing myself more so than I ever have. 

I am and always have been my worse critic and very good at doubting my abilities.  The fact that I pulled off an A average last year is still a total amazement to me and I still can not believe I have managed to do it.  But in doing so I feel like I have so much pressure on me to get A's again. 

The silly thing is, is that I am the only one putting the pressure on.  No that's wrong now that I have managed to get the A's my mother has enjoyed telling people how well I have done (and I'm in my 40's how sad that sounds) and expects me do continue doing well so there is pressure from that quarter. 

The last two assignments are for the same lecturer and its the first time that he has been my lecturer so I don't know what sort of marker he is or if my assignment is on the right path despite following the brief.  I listen to others and what they have done and think how different they are to mine but then different does not mean bad or good, just different. 

Gee I would have said I was no longer stressing about the assignments tonight, but seeing what I'm writing I am thinking that I am holding onto a little stress and wont be happy until I get my first marks which is meant to be available on Wednesday. 

The only problem with that is that I have to drive an hour and a half to go get my results or I can ring the lecturer as he said the distance students (like me) can ring to get their results.  Don't know if I'm brave enough to hear it over the phone either.  Ok ok I admit it, I worry about the silliest stuff - I sweat the small stuff as they say but then again its not really small stuff is it.

We have had a new person join our travel group in the last couple of weeks although she is only 19 so in a completely different age group but mature for her age with means she is fitting in with a car fill of 40 year olds (she says she has just gained 3 new mums LOL), she was doing her studies in another city but has transferred this year.

In the mean time I am relaxing tonight and tomorrow I start working on the next three assignments, at least I'm on holiday for the next two weeks to work on them although the boys are home as well so there is the lovely distraction of spending time with them...balance as always..

time for a little wine and then some sleep...

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Mummy Guilt

Oh Mummy Guilt, its a mean and fickle thing and when it hits it hits hard.  I suffer from mummy guilt a lot especially over the normal didn't spend enough quality time with them etc. and the current one that Dad lives in another town and we only get to see him once a fortnight (that's a biggy).  But today I just added to my guilt load big time and its only 1pm.

My current Uni schedule means I have Thursday and Friday off to work from home and at the moment I have three assignments to work on with the first due in a fortnight.  Now I'm not the leave it to the last moment sorta girl, no sirree not me, no I have to start working on it from the moment I can and keep working on it and keep working on it until I can work on it no more.  I mean you gotta work hard for those A's and I like having those A's its been an amazing confidence booster to say the least.

 I know there are people who can sit down the day before its due and knock out a pretty good assignment and some of them even get A's for them (life unfair or what) but its just not me.  If I am down to the wire with an assignment I second guess myself so much its not funny, my doubt meter goes through the roof, and sleep forget about it, it just doesn't happen or if it does its full of nightmares about the assignment...

Yep I'm reading this back and thinking ever heard of relax but hey I have my system and it works for me - at least it did last year and I'm banking on it working this year too.

Any way in case you think I am digressing from my Mummy Guilt you are wrong cause its all tied into it, I was sitting at my computer totally engrossed in my assignment and pretty impressed with what I was knocking out when the phone rang.  Ran for the phone (yes I did run - it does happen) and as I answered it I saw the time on the oven clock 11.36am.  I know that doesn't seem too bad on the surface, so what its 11.36am, normally that wouldn't be so bad, I would just be impressed that I had been working so solidly since 8.50am on my assignment.

See the problem is, is that M's school swimming races that I was meant to be watching, started at 11am and he had the first race.... I had missed it completely.  Part of the event was inviting parents to stay for lunch afterwards so I quickly got changed ran out the door (Yep ran again!!!), drove as fast as the law allowed to the supermarket to where I grabbed his favourite chocolate brownie and a few pieces of Russian fudge that he had been begging and hinting for over a month and drove to school.

Yes I am fully aware that I was arming myself with please forgive me bribes...hands in the air, completely owning up to it. Walking across the field M dashed out of the pool area to run over to meet me, tears in his eyes he stops in front of me and said "you missed my race, and now I'm crying and I don't know why".  GUILT!!!!!!!! I gave him a big hug which helped hide the tears for him and just said how sorry I was, I didn't lie I just told I had lost all track of time and forgotten.  His big sad wet eyes looked up at me, bottom lip quivering and I knew my excuse didn't cut it for him - just wasn't good enough (more guilt) so I quickly jumped in with I'm here to stay for lunch (which I had told him I wouldn't be able to do as well as watching the swim race) and that I had a treat for him.  That helped, although there wasn't a smile he led me to the swimming area and told me where I was to go and sit and he went back to his class area....still loads of guilt.

After ten minutes of watching races, curiosity finally got the better of him and he came over to talk to me and to ask what the treat was but I kept it a secret until lunch time. Needless to say when he saw both the brownie and the fudge he found his smile again, then came the hard decision as to what to eat first :)

So here I am home again, having to blog before I get back on to my assignment as I knew if I didn't unload this Mummy guilt somewhere I would keep stewing on it while I typed and who knows what I would have ended up with LOL and unfortunately although the saying might be - somewhere in the world its wine o'clock - its just a little to early to have a glass......

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St Johns

Monday night saw both my boys returning to St Johns youth group tonight.  It as been closed for the school holidays and is up and running again.  Just another job for me that normally hubby does that I need to find time for but hey at least for the most part it is just getting the boys into their uniform and drop off and then go back in an hour and a half and pick them up again.  The only annoying thing is that it starts at 5.30 which is rather early but it finishes at 7.00pm which for older kids is OK to come home and have dinner but for 8/12 year olds they really need to have eaten by then (especially as I'm the early bed time sort of parent) so it is a bit of a rush to get the boys home, dinner done and eaten and into uniform and down to St Johns (thankfully just done the road) by 5.30 but we did it - was much easier with the two of us but hey no point going on about what I cant change...

Although some people would say that doing something like St Johns is rather nerdy I love their interest in it.  H could easily be classed as a nerd (although in our house we have taught H that to be called a nerd is a compliment) M doesn't fall into that category at all!!  Their is a lot of discipline and rules to follow within the company along with goals to be worked towards and rewards for achieving them.  They learn such valuable life skills.  I also like how the skills are taught at various age appropriate levels and as they get older their skills are expanded on, and its not just about life saving skills but range from, camping, fire, first aid, child care, sewing etc, there is something there for both boys and girls. 

They both really enjoy the time they spend there and get alot from it, learning the drills for M is hard but he is getting there and is enjoying the challenge.  We are hoping to be able to send them both off to camp in March but I don't know if I'm going to have the money to afford that which would be a complete bummer for them so we will just have to wait and see for that (fingers crossed).

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